By the very expression, these are usually uttered close to death.
Luckily I already have a premonition of things to come so before anyone starts
arguing about where I really belong and therefore where I am to be buried;
before anyone goes shopping for the trendiest casket or perhaps not, I won’t
have a say; before some ridiculous garment I never would have worn in my life
is designed for whatever sorry body I may leave behind; before the undertaker
comes to douse my body with bottles of zoflora and sets me up for exhibition;
before anyone starts imagining what tombstone would best represent me and
concocts some seeming wise inscription and worries about how to keep the
surroundings of a bone prison tidy, may I respectfully say that none of these
will be necessary.
I always played with the idea of cremation but now I am dead certain (no pun intended) that’s what I want done with my body – when I die off course.
Of all the persons connected with organizing a funeral, the
undertaker is the one that causes me the most anguish besides family and “chief
mourners”- not necessarily those in most grief or that mourn the most. First a
call to ask what wig to dress the corpse with. I have the choice of grey,
brown, black, mauve......ok that’s enough! We settled on “colour 2”.
A few minutes later another call. She forgot something...gloves! Do
I want gloves and which type? I didn’t know. Never worn one and hopefully never
will.
A few days after settling the undertaker’s fees for the job, she sends
what is obviously an official procurement request to enable execution of the
job. What the ........! And what’s with the Malta Guinness and foreign news what?
On a more practical level this gives anyone
who would be confronted with the undertaker someday an idea as to what to
expect.
As for me I may not write a will before I am knocked off this
earth so here’s to family and friends and all those who will assume responsibility
for deciding my funeral. On the small matter of my body, just burn, burn, and
burn!
.... and by the way I am of perfectly sound, body, mind et esprit at this point even if I say so myself.
 | |
| The Undertaker's List |
