Gunning for President

The motherland is gearing up for elections so promises of a Betterer Ghana, Free Education at all stages for all, Jobs for all and of School Tankase and plans to change portions of our constitution are about.

I figure now that the coast is clear for declarations of both level-headed and doubtful aspirations, all in gargantuan proportions (ye-e-s, had to get it out of the way) of the type relating to making the world a better place, I should make my intentions known.

I mean to make a pitch for president unless of course the law of my land makes a turnabout, which is not entirely unlikely. But that kind of thing usually happens when the end of the road is so conspicuously and most definitely nigh, on paper that is. And since that is not exactly the case out here yet, here’s what I offer.

Um, before that ... my plans are rather modest and since I have a feeling I will be tolerated no more than a year at best, also rather brief. Besides I am quite certain the Chief Project Monitoring Executive’s job will be redundant in the near future; so to the point.

                                                                               

If I am president:

1.          I will have no spokespersons. It's rather tiring having to clarify myself repeatedly and clarify or justify other people’s utterances disguised as mine.

2.          Any countryman or woman of sound mind heard referring to the motherland as the gateway to Africa will pay a hefty fine. While we may take pride in being the most fertile destination for castoffs or the most cooperative sibling when it comes to facilitating access to family inheritance, we couldn’t possibly be seen bragging about that. 

 

3.          An elite group akin to the celebrated Seals who paid the terrorist an unwelcome visit will be established within a month of my presidency. Black Seals, they will be called. Their only targets would be Presidents who develop a phobia for front door exits and their job would simply be to give the sluggish presidents a quick and painless trip to nothingness. This presidential escort’s job comes with lifetime immunity. 

4.          Eligible presidential candidates would have permanent home addresses (as in liveable, living there, owning it sort of thing). While every effort will be made to house retiring presidents (if they so wish) and to make them comfortable for as long as they live, properties made available for their use will remain properties of the state. And that’s that. Case close.

5.          A public officer who uses or has to use the expression “we need to” or variants of it, twice on the same matter will be summarily dismissed. Obviously no progress would have been made in the space of time between the two statements.  It’s tough enough not to have a plan the first time.

6.          Jubilee House (now Flagstaff House) will live up to its name. It will be the joint for retirees where they will be treated to 3 square meals a day and music of their times all day. The senior citizens will spend their time playing Council of State, Oware and doing whatever else pleases them. They will also guide visitors around the museum which would be relocated there. All sitting presidents and ministers would be required to visit The House at least once a month; that should help keep them in line.

7.          The concept of Friday Wear as a day to go African would be scrapped. What does it mean to be African, live in Africa and have need to dedicate a day on which to wear African? There’s something nuts about it. Invitations to events that require guests to be in “formal wear” i.e. suited will be forbidden.

8.          The term international will also be used sparingly and only in relation to international affairs and relations. "Locally international" entities will no longer be recognized. The false impression easily gets to our heads.

9.          No educational establishment would be allowed to register names that include incorrect spellings of words that already exist in the languages we use and for which no more grammatical considerations are required. The informal ways of the entertainment and mobile texting worlds has no place in education. Last time I checked "kollege" had yet to arrive.

10.      All schools; public, private, whatever else in between would study the following subjects compulsorily at the primary level. History of the motherland; where we are coming from and I don’t mean the sky story. The Motherlands Territory, i.e. what is ours or rather what is left of what was ours that we must defend. Social Skills; the ways we relate to each other on the motherland so we don’t confuse “hi” with any of the motherland’s expressions. Schools claiming to be running foreign curricula would not be exempted. Naturally these subjects would include tours around the motherland supported by the tourism ministry with coerced input from industry players. What? They should be doing this already! Also all learners should have toured at least 3 regions by the end of upper primary to know the motherland, its peoples, culture and terrain. Okay this is a tough one but still.
       By the way, schools with no playgrounds will be closed down. Football pitches will not count for playgrounds.

Gosh, did I promise to be brief? This sort of thing gets easily out of hand, doesn’t it? Now I see how my forerunners get carried away. Ten is a tidy number anyway so I will keep my promise and end here. Before I get off though, one final thing;

                                             

There will be no presidential commissions or parliamentary committees to consider any of the above. Too much of everything is bad as is often said and that includes... you know, consultations and the like.

Now, let's see..... bother! I’ll never make president with this anyway so what’s the fretting about.