When Comforting Turns Chilly

I certainly am not great with words of comfort. I find it easier to offer practical help. Say, help beat the crap out of an oppressor (no I really couldn’t); give money or material assistance if I have it to give; offer my opinion on some matter etc. 

That is why I commend, even admire those who struggle to find the right words to say to a person in distress, disappointed, grieving, or facing one life challenge or other. It can’t be easy. 

But sometimes intended words of comfort, assurance, hope and encouragement really suck. Why is this so? Because bad timing, insensitivity, even inappropriateness of the circumstances make them so even if by themselves they are harmless.

Consider that I meet an acquaintance who wanting to commiserate with me on the death of my dad, asks how old my father was. I say to her, 80 plus. And her response? “Oh that’s a ripe age (to die she means). Lucky you, your dad lived a full life”. Translated in my grief, “lucky that my dad died”? Well guess what, I made a mental note to return the compliment.

I was once sent a comic picture of a mouse that had escaped the trap that was apparently set for it. The caption was, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” I was in a cranky, mildly dejected state so I retorted that what doesn’t kill you could very well maim you! I clearly need to rethink my sense of humour I know. 

When a woman whose husband did that despicable thing, leaving her all scare-faced, potentially paralyzed for good and broke heard those same words on her hospital bed, she did not find much solace in them either. Why couldn’t she see the wisdom in those words?   

Now I know as a child of God, I must trust the saying, “when God brings you to it, he’ll take you through it”. It’s very reassuring - when you know it is God who did bring you to IT. 

A similar saying, “what God puts together let no man put asunder” is often used to support an aversion to divorce. And when it comes in the form; “what God puts together no man can put asunder”, it is meant to be a warning to relationship breakers or a guarantee that no matter the difficulties in a relationship, it will survive … if God willed it. But suppose He did not and often we know he didn’t, pretty much the same way we know the devil didn’t – so how comforting is that?  

I am tempted to say that when people are in doubt about what to say to another person, they should stay silent but then again, we are usually not in doubt are we?